Let me begin this tale of unexpected victory and natural calamity with an explanation of the hero of this tale, Ulfr, the god of feasting. He has a great red beard and a mountain of red hair that is usually the very color of his rosy cheeks. His great belt barely holds in a gargantuan stomach, and he is clothed in robes as green as fresh pines. He holds many lavish feasts for his fellow gods, spending days preparing enough food that he could hold in his many great cauldrons that he can fill magically fill to the brim with frothy mead, wine, or anything he chooses. He is son of Ull, god of skiers and archery, and Skade, goddess of archery and hunting, and therefore is decently large, considering his mother is a half Jotun.

His closest friend is Thor, god of thunder, for a rather simple reason. Thor, being the hearty eater that he is, quickly befriended Ulfr, for he was the god of feasting. Ulfr gladly accepted a companionship with Thor, and holds many a feast in honor of Thor’s victory against a Jotun army. He always indulges Thor and his wishes, only strengthening their bond. As for all the other Aesier, he isn’t very well respected among most of them, especially with Odin, god of wisdom, warfare and father of the gods, and Bragi, god of poetry and bards. Being the unruly merry maker that he is, he wasn’t well liked among the wise or serious. He is far from either of them. He often tries vainly to woo the goddesses, often earning a scolding from Freya, the goddess of fertility. But sometimes he did manage to get a giggle or two out of some of them. Ulfr was also a friend of Loki, the god of the Jotun race and fire, and Loki rather liked him. This was because he always laughs quite enthusiastically at whatever joke Loki makes, be it funny or not.

My story begins after Thor defeated the Jotun Rugnir. He had thrown a club made of whetstone at Thor, and upon clashing with Mjollnir, Thor’s magical hammer it shattered, sending splinters whizzing through the air. One of them was lodged in the thunder god’s head. No matter how hard all of the Aesir tried, it would not budge. Ulfr was hosting a feast in his great hall, Kiemlag, where they all sat in cushioned chairs and there was a special throne for Ulfr and one for his guest of honor, which were both gold and embedded with gems.  Because of the whetstone splinter in Thor’s head, Ulfr tried to make it even more lavish as to comfort Thor. All the gods were invited, and all of them came, except one. Heimdall had insisted he stay at his place and guard the Rainbow Bridge.

            It was a good thing to, for at that very moment, news of Rugnir’s death by Mjollnir had reached his brother, Biorn. Biorn was an old Jotun lord who drank profusely. He was outraged. He was so angry and infuriated that he almost grabbed his battle gear and went to besiege Asgard all by himself, had his subjects not calmed him down. Still, Biorn was a mess. His own brother had just been slain by the mighty Thor. He was about to give up all hope when his messenger told him about the whetstone splinter lodged in the thunder god’s head. Delighted, he thought that Thor was greatly injured and weak. He called out, “Egill, my son!”

            Egill, a fit and powerful Jotun who was a very formidable opponent who was as strong and as thin as a bowstring, came running into the hall. “Yes father! What do you wish of me?”

            “I have dreadful, terrible news, my loyal son. Your dear uncle, who has supported us in times of need, Rugnir has been killed at the hands of Thor, the mighty thunder-god, arch enemy of our people,” Biorn said wearily.

            “Why, that’s horrid!” Egill responded, shaking his head.

            “But do not despair, Egill! My brother lodged a splinter of whetstone in the thunder-god’s head. So, while he is gravely weakened, I want you to lead an army to attack Asgard. Immediately!” Biorn roared

            Always eager to please his father, Egill yelled, “Yes, father! I will not disappoint you!” and ran out of the hall.

            While everyone remained unsuspecting of Egill’ plan, he quickly and effectively grouped all of his fathers troops together. They had left the land of Biorn quickly, swiftly marching out of the great doors and darting through the forest. They waded deep lakes and rushing streams, scattering frightened animals. Any humans who witnessed their march were silenced speedily with an deadly arrow sent from one of the alert frost giants. 

             Back at Ulfr’s great hall Kiemlag, they were all feasting merrily. It seemed that everything would be fine when they heard a bellowing noise. Heimdall was blowing Gjallarhorn, and its sound was so loud it silenced the noise of all the shouting and laughing, drowning it out with a low, resounding note. This was the last thing everybody wanted to hear, as it meant that a Jotun army was fast approaching. Despite his injury, Thor still threw himself into a frenzy.

            “Bah!! Trying to get me while I’m down, eh!? While I’ll show em, nasty Jotuns!!” he bellowed, downing the rest of his wine horn, grabbing Mjollnir and rushing out of the door.

            Thor was not the only one angry. Ulfr was too thrown into a fit of rage by this, as he was entirely sober at the moment and quick to anger. He pounded his fist and the table with such force that everything on the table jumped, making a whole inch of space between the feast and the table.

            “How dare they interrupt my feast!!?” He roared, causing all of the goddesses to shrink back in their chair. “Think hey can interrupt one of Ulfr’s feasts, huh!!? Hold up Thor, I’m coming with you!!” With that, he took a giant rope from the wall, strung it around three giant pots and slung them all over his shoulder. He charged out the hall, twirling the three great cauldrons above his head.

            “Hold nothing back! Destroy the wicked killers of Rugnir! For Rugnir, we charge!” Egill shouted at the top of his lungs, pointing with his mighty blade towards Asgard, as he looked back on his great legion of Jotuns and trolls.

            “For Rugnir!” They echoed, and began to charge at full speed towards the Rainbow Bridge, which was already in plain sight.

            Heimdall was blowing his horn frantically for Thor, Odin, or any of the warrior gods to come, and he was afraid of the army. He had good reason to be too, as they were a very powerful army, despite having to be grouped together on such short notice. But they were still no match for Thor, the mighty thunder-god, and his blazing hammer, Mjollnir.

            As the monstrous army continued to move closer with no sign of Thor, they thought they had won. However, just as Egill was about to let out a triumphant roar and lunge at Heimdall, blade ready, which would surely end up in the death of the watchman of Asgard, for the young Jotun was already a very talented swordsman and fighter, and Heimdall would be no match for him, Thor appeared, in his full glory, and charged down the Rainbow Bridge and hurled his hammer with all the strength he could muster at Egill, his muscles tense, as he flung out his arm straight at the Jotun, his eyes focused on Egill’s head.

            Egill was caught off guard by the thunder-god’s timely entrance, and he was about to jump to one side, but he knew that Mjollnir never misses and that he had a special plan just for this. It was the reason he was wearing an iron mitt and had an extra sword slung across his back. Egill flung his sword upright in front of his head, right in the path of Thor’s hammer. It hit his sword with a great clang and shattered Egill’s blade into a thousand pieces. But, as the young Jotun warrior had wanted, it started to come back to Thor instead of going on and cracking Egill’s skull. He quickly flung his hilt to the side and grabbed Mjollnir in his mitt and grinned evilly.

            Thor’s eyes widened. “Oh no,” he muttered under his breath. He attempted to tackle Egill, but he simply side stepped him, and, instead of dealing him a fatal blow, he struck his sword through the loop of Thor’s magical belt, and, as he whizzed by, it was torn off, thus depleting his power even further. Grinning from ear to ear, the devious Jotun slipped the belt on himself, and let out a wicked laugh of victory.

            “Now I have your power, Thor! With your belt and hammer, I can take Asgard, and with it, the Aesir!” Egill continued on a monologue, keeping Thor in the reach of Mjollnir. But, he fell silent when a great booming voice ricocheted off the mountains,

            “I’m coming, Thor!” It was Ulfr, charging down the bridge, pots swinging over his head.

            Egill realized that it was time to end this, and he turned to finish off the thunder-god. But it was too late. Thor had recognized his chance and seized it, tackling his enemy while he had his gaze turned. He took Egill down, and leapt off of him, taking with him his hammer and belt. He turned to throw Mjollnir at Egill, but he once again heard something that made all heads turn.

            “Whooooaaaaa!” Ulfr cried out, as he slipped on the sleek surface of the Rainbow Bridge and went hurtling up into the air. Every troll, Jotun, and god that could stood in a stupor as they watched Ulfr’s mammoth body go flying into the air, hang their a moment, and plummet back down with a earth shattering crash.

            Actually, it was practically earth shattering. He was so rotund and he landed with such force that it shook everywhere from the top of Yggdrasil, the world tree that held all the worlds on its branches and roots,  where the great eagle, creator of all winds, perched, to the deepest fiery depths of Musspellhiem, the world of fire, and the blackness of Niflheim, world of darkness. It completely broke off most of the tops of the surrounding mountains, which rolled down the mountainside and buried the entire army in a barrage of falling rocks. Egill and the rest of his army cried out and covered their faces, but to no avail. The rocks had gathered enormous speed, and were plummeting down the mountainside, and nothing on earth could stop them. Each boulder hit the earth with a deafening roar, and when all of them crashed down into the ground at once, it was like a stampeding herd of wildebeest.

             Ulfr looked up dazedly from where he now sat, having been knocked into confusion by his terrible fall, and no longer knowing exactly what had just happened, and all he remembered was that he was having a feast and something made him angry. The battleground was now completely buried in rock, all the dust settling back into place. Unfortunately, Thor had tried to flee, and was halfway up the Rainbow Bridge with Heimdall when a great boulder came hurtling towards them at such speed that even Tjalfski could not escape it. Thor and Heimdall came close to getting away from the great plate of earth, but it crashed down and pinned them by their waists. Usually, Thor would have no problem lifting the chunk of mountain off of himself, but he had not had time to replace his belt which would double his strength. But without any enchantments to aid him, sadly, Thor was helpless. Even when Heimdall tried to lift it off them, it still would not budge. Seeing them struggle, Ulfr got up, and, although he still did not have a very clear idea of what was going on, went over to the two pinned gods. Unnoticed, he too joined them in moving the rock, and with his help, it slowly lifted up, and, with one solid heave, was hurled back into the pile of rubble, where it crumbled into pieces. Thor and Heimdall, who had previously been oblivious to Ulfr’s aid, now looked up at him, and he was beaming widely. They too smiled at him.

            “Well, Thor my good friend, I do not exactly have an entirely clear idea of what is going on, but I would be happy to continue my feast, despite this interruption,” Ulfr said, smiling down upon Heimdall and Thor.     

            “Ulfr, my friend, let us postpone your feast for a while, while I tell you what just happened,” Thor said, getting up and clasping a hand on Ulfr’s shoulder. “Oh, and Heimdall, would you be as kind as to fetch Bragi for me? Oh, and tell Ulfr’s guests that the feast is postponed.”

            “Well, I don’t know what you are talking about, but you have never let me down before, so I guess I’ll just go with whatever you’re planning, and hope I don’t fall down again!” Ulfr said with a chortle.

            Heimdall did as he was told, and soon Thor was relating the entire story to Ulfr and Bragi, god of poetry who then made a great epic song about the whole thing. With that ready, they resumed the feast, and when they had all finished eating, Bragi sat on the table in a chair and sang with a twinkle in his sparkling eyes about how Ulfr had defeated an entire army in one blow. After that, all the gods gave their praise to him, and much to his delight, Freya blushed bashfully and gave him a peck on the cheek, which made all the other goddesses giggle and him dizzy.  

            Life continued on peacefully until Ragnarok, destiny of the gods came. Even he took up his cauldrons and set out for the battlefield. As thunder boomed and the earth shook, Ulfr swung his massive kettles, tossing demons and trolls left and right. Then, out of the fray came old Biorn, who still grieved over his lost son, Egill.

            “I shall avenge my son, Ulfr!!” He cried, lifting an axe and preparing to charge Ulfr.

            Sensing his weakness, Ulfr quickly set to work filling his pots with the best mead he could mange to create. He then poured them all onto Biorn, who was immediately filled with ecstasy. Biorn forgot where he as and what he was just about to do, flung down his axe and began drinking all the mead he could get his hands on. Ulfr merely watched contentedly and waited. Soon Biorn was severely intoxicated, and he was walking around drunkenly, practically falling down with each step. Ulfr smiled and swung his cauldrons around his head and brought them down on Biorn with the strength of a charging bull and he was sent flying to one side like a missile. Biorn struck into Fenris, his horned helm plunging deep into the wolf’s side, mortally wounding it.

            Ulfr continued fighting, pushing back the enemy forces like there was no tomorrow. He eventually came upon a whole army of fire demons, and knew exactly how to deal with them. He filled all of his pots with ice cold water and created a great torrent, and he kept adding to it as it flowed out of his cauldrons. The water rushed over the fire demons, vanquishing them.

            It seemed nothing could stop the god of feasting, until Loki appeared and challenged Ulfr. Always being a close friend of Loki’s, he was stunned that Loki would challenge him to a fight, and he could not bear to fight him, and fled the battle field.

            When all the dust had settled, and the surviving gods had returned to the field to Ida, which was a heavenly field in the middle of Asgard, Ulfr held a grand feast in honor of all the gods and goddesses that had died. Still to this day, way up in Asgard, he still hosts feasts to lighten everyone’s spirits, for he is Ulfr, friend of all the gods.

            Now, you are probably wondering why we still have earthquakes to this day. Ulfr often goes down to Midgard to test the human’s hospitality. He disguises himself as an old peddler and knocks on the doors of people. If they welcome him in, and give him a generous amount of food, he will reward them by turning himself into his real self, taking one of his enchanted pots, and filling it to the brim with an enchanted stew that is absolutely delicious and will stay good forever. He then gives them the stew, and it will probably give them enough food for a very long time. If they are reluctant to take him in, and give him measly proportions, he will take all he food in their cupboards and cook it into a massive stew and then devour it all like a wolf. Now, sometimes when he is walking down the Rainbow Bridge, he once again slips and falls, creating another earthquake. Currently, after the great calamity of Ragnarok, Ulfr still ventures down into Midgard to test us, disguising himself as a homeless person in need of money or food. Sometimes he punishes Midgard for not showing the proper respect by jumping up and down on the Rainbow Bridge. He no longer gives rewards, for he now believes that virtue is its own reward, and people shouldn’t need a reason to be kind, good Samaritans. With this, Ulfr still continues to teach us lessons in the new world, for he cannot ignore his responsibility as a god to teach the humans, even though they no longer pay him his rightful respects. For he is a kind, forgiving god, one who thought that  even evil Loki’s punishment was unjust, for he is Ulfr, God of Feasting.